Monday, January 09, 2006

Stay or Leave

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I don't want to. There are two sides to me on this. The side that takes the experience for what it was and is glad it happened. Then there is the side that HATES the way you chose to end it and wants you to know it.

I knew what this was from the beginning. I know you think you're brighter than I am. I know you think I'm naive. Maybe I am sometimes....but more often than not, I play into what people think. I let people think I'm naive....and I just observe. I drink in as much about a person as I can and I let them create the image their trying for....all the while knowing otherwise.

I remember when you first "made an offer" to me. You called so many times after that and I pretended I was away. But really...I was collecting my thoughts. I was taking all that I knew of you and this "offer" and deciding what it really was and whether I wanted anything to do with it. The strange thing is that even after making my "hypothesis", I decided to pursue it anyway.

Here's the thing: I don't believe in needing to trust people per se. I didn't think in terms of whether I could trust you. I only cared whether I could trust myself to handle whatever the outcome would be. So I needed time to consider all the possible outcomes and whether I felt I could accept any of them. And ....I decided that I could. For whatever reasons...I still haven't quite decided what my own motivations were.

I was intent on not forming any attachment during all of this. Sometimes I felt like I would actually succeed. But the truth is, I enjoyed your friendship. I loved joking around. You were a good 'pal' as much as anything. And I miss that part, dammit. That pisses me off more than anything else does. I really did believe that we became friends.....same twisted, socially inappropriate sense of humour. And to tell me now that you can't continue the friendship because of these "conspiracies" around you. Well, I know that is bullshit. The innocence of our conversations would not warrant cutting off contact. So it's something else. You've moved on. You have new projects.


The other thing I knew--you were using me. People connect for a reason. Sometimes that reason lasts forever, but not usually. In your case, I think you were feeling less important in your personal life. You weren't getting enough attention. You're an only child, so coming second isn't really an understandable concept. You're also in the business of acquiring things, and I believe that this friendship was another planned acquisition. I don't believe you were drawn to me and then made the decision. I believe that you decided that you needed "more" and then set out to find the person who would fit your criteria. I'm a good listener. I'm good at giving attention, inflating egos. I was the perfect candidate. And let's face has gotten better for you again, so I was no longer needed for the position. And you've moved on to bigger better opportunity for even more anonymity than before. Perhaps you upgraded.

I resent most that you never met my son. Maybe for the best.

I hope you are well. I hope you learn to cherish what you have. And I don't mean the "things" you have. I mean the people.